


Halfway To Heaven | Larry Stylinson

by thechristophertracy



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Larry Stylinson Is Real, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 17:27:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29405496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thechristophertracy/pseuds/thechristophertracy
Summary: Harry attends his first summer intensive at the Royal Ballet School in London. What happens when he meets a blue-eyed boy named Louis? (Title inspired by the Céline Dion song)NOTE: This book is divided into four parts, not including the prologue and three-part epilogue.
Relationships: Harry Styles & Louis Tomlinson





	1. Can't Let Go (Prologue)

**_“Even though I try, I can’t let go_. ** **_Something in your eyes captured my soul._ ** **_And every night I see you in my dreams._ ** **_You’re all I know._ ** **_I can’t let go”_**

 ** _—_ ** **Mariah Carey,** **_Can’t Let Go_**

I have tried so hard to push the memories away. Somewhere in the deepest, darkest part of my brain, so that they will never see the light of day again. Tuck them into a tight, little box and place it on a tall shelf to be forgotten forever. 

I wish I could separate the good from the bad, but the pain has tainted them to the point where I can no longer differentiate the two. Every moment from that summer must vanish from my memory with the wind of an autumn storm, so that I may finally cleanse myself of this lingering anguish.

If only it were that simple. Unfortunately, it is no way to heal a wounded heart. You must process a loss like a past love so that you may one day feel healed enough to move on and try again. 

The different stages of grief and healing can be quite challenging and emotionally taxing. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. And now, acceptance. But how can I accept everything that occurred that summer when I would rather forget it ever happened.

I have tried so hard to forget. To forget the pain. Forget the heartbreak. Forget the love that felt so real. The love that can never be replaced or replicated. I tried so hard to forget him. _Louis_. My first love. The love of my life, and yet the bane of my existence. I need to forget him. I just need to forget everything... and for a while, I did.

For a time, I felt clean and in a place to let go of the past in order to proceed into the future. But it’s all coming back to me now. Every memory of that summer, both good and bad, is flooding back into my mind. 

Do I believe in life after love? I'm not quite sure yet. Returning to the past may be the only way I will reach the light of that ambiguous horizon.


	2. Someone For Me

**| Part I - Infatuation |**

**_“Why not go out and have some fun._ ** **_It’s the only way I’ll ever find someone for me while_** ** _I am young and seventeen”_**

**_—_ ** **Whitney Houston,** **_Someone For Me_ **

"Ladies and gentlemen, we will be landing in London shortly. As we begin our descent, please make sure your seat backs and tray tables are in their full upright position. Make sure your seat belt is securely fastened and all carry-on luggage is stowed underneath the seat in front of you or up in the overhead bins. Thank you."

I am in utter disbelief. The summer that I have always dreamed of is finally coming to fruition. Five weeks in London, dancing at the prestigious Royal Ballet School for my first ever summer intensive away from home. 

Before this summer, I had only heard stories from my friends about all of the fun they would have while away at these intensives. The adventures they would have. The cities they would explore. Some have even had summer flings. I was envious for sure and I wanted to experience it for myself.

Although I have auditioned for other intensives before, such as the School of American Ballet in New York City and the Bolshoi Ballet in Russia, I have had my heart set on the Royal Ballet School for as long I can remember. 

I have always imagined what it would be like to spend the summer there, in the heart of the city, training with one of the top male ballet teachers in the world, Patrick Clarke. This dream is now becoming a reality and I have to pinch myself daily in order to believe it is true.

While I am away in London, I will be experiencing many firsts. My first time flying on my own. My first time on my own in a big city. My first time seeing my dad's side of the family since I was very young. But there is one thing that I still need to check off my list. My first kiss. 

_I know, it's embarrassing._ I am seventeen years old and I have never had my first kiss. I have never had a boyfriend. I have never experienced any of that romantic shit that you only seem to see in the movie. Dance has always been a hindrance in finding love with the countless hours spent at the studio. However, I am determined to change that while away in London this summer.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have just been cleared to land at the Heathrow Airport. Please make sure one last time your seat belt is securely fastened. Thank you."

I reach over to lift the window shade to catch a glimpse of the unfamiliar city below. I wonder what it will have in store for me. Will I meet the man of dreams? I can picture him now. Relatively tall, somewhat muscular, soft brown hair, ocean-blue eyes, a beautiful smile. Someone who is kind, funny, romantic, and charming. I know that he is out there waiting for me to find him.

Although I loved the feeling of flying, I am so glad to be back on the ground so I can finally get this summer started. As the plane lands and we make our way towards the airport terminal, the anticipation continues to build for what is to come. I quickly text my parents that I landed safely in London and put my phone back in my pocket.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the city of London! On behalf of British Airlines and the entire crew, I'd like to thank you for joining us on this trip and we are looking forward to seeing you onboard again soon. Have a wonderful afternoon!"

As I exit the plane and take my first steps in London, it finally dawns on me that this is real and I am actually here. _I am on my own in this big city._ As the excitement sets in, a tsunami of panic engulfs my mind just as quickly. 

_I am on my own in a big city._ I have no clue what I am supposed to do or where I am supposed to go. My mom walked me through everything up to security back in Manchester. I pull my phone out of my pocket and frantically search for my mom's phone number in my contacts. 

After a couple of rings, she picks up and I explain the dilemma. She reassures me that everything will be okay as she helps me find my way through the airport. Once I pick up my suitcase from the baggage claim, I find my way to the designated area for the shuttles.

There, I locate my shuttle and I am greeted by a girl who tells me that she will be one of the resident assistants in charge this summer. I hand her my bags and find a seat on the shuttle. Once I am settled in my seat, I text my parents and my best mate Niall to let them know I am on my way to the dorms. 

I let out a huge sigh of relief now that the previous panic has subsided knowing that I may be on my own in a big city, but I am not alone. _I am on my own._ I repeat it like a mantra, this time without any traces of panic or fear. I am ready to take on this summer and all that it has to offer.


	3. Made For Now

**_"We're made for now._ ** **_Not tomorrow._ ** **_Look around"_**

**—Janet Jackson,** **_Made For Now_ **

I have been in London for just half an hour now, and I still can’t believe I am actually here. It will probably start to feel more real once I get to the dorms, meet my roommate, and get settled into my room. _Oh my god. How could this have slipped my mind?_

I haven’t even begun to think about my roommate or what it is going to be like living with someone I have never met before. _Have I really been so blinded by finding love that I forgot that I am going to be living with a complete stranger?_ Well, all I can do is hope for the best and that he is nice and we get along for the summer. _That doesn't seem like too much to ask for, right?_

I wonder what he will be like. _What if he is gay too? What if he starts liking me? What if I start liking him back? What if we fall in love? What if we have that romantic comedy worthy summer fling? What if he is the one I have been looking for? Could he be the one that I am looking for?_

_No, Harry. Stop that right now. Just meet the boy first before you fall down the rabbit hole and get lost in Wonderland like you always do._

The RA informs me that we have arrived as the shuttle pulls up to the dorms, breaking me from my train of thought. It is different from what I expected. It's better than expected actually. _I don't think I will have trouble settling here_. 

I quickly pull out my phone to text my parents that I made it safely and to tell Niall that I am here at the dorms. I place my phone back in my pocket and step off of the shuttle. I walk around to the back to grab my bags before making my way up to the unfamiliar building. _1618 Cornelia Street_. _I’ve made it._

Past the entrance, I find the desk where I am supposed to check-in. I walk up and greet the RAs sitting on the other side of the table. They ask for my name and hand me a small envelope that I am told has the key card I will need to enter the building and the key to my room. _There aren't very many envelopes left on the table, so I must be one of the last to arrive_. 

Before I leave, they tell me there will be a dorm meeting at 6:30 before dinner. I thank them and turn to make my way up the stairs to find my room. Before I get too far, I hear a familiar voice calling my name. I turn and see my best friend, Niall. _Ok, now it feels real_. 

I drop my bags and run straight to him. I am so excited to take on this adventure in a new city with my best friend. I give him a big hug before telling him that I will be back down after I bring my stuff upstairs to my room and get settled.

I finally make it up the stairs and down the hallway where I find my room number. _27_. _This is it_. I slide the key into the door and slowly turn it. As the door opens, a tall and lanky guy with jet black hair appears inside the room. 

He immediately turns to greet me and tells me his name is Zayn. I instantly pick up on his thick accent which I assume to be from Bradford. I introduce myself as I take in the room around me and begin to unpack.

As I put my clothes in the drawers and organize my side of the room, Zayn and I start to get to know each other. He tells me he is indeed from Bradford and he has only been dancing for about five years. I tell him that I am from Holmes Chapel and I have been dancing at the Manchester Ballet School for the last ten years. _I think this is going to be a great five weeks together._

Before we know it, it is almost 6:30. Zayn and I make our way downstairs to the lounge for the dorm meeting. The room is already pretty full by the time we get there. I quickly scan the room to find Niall. I spot him on the floor near one of the couches. 

I tell Zayn that I am going to sit with Niall and that I will see him later. Once I find my spot next to Niall, the RAs begin the meeting where they explain the rules and protocols we have to follow throughout the summer. 

It is pretty boring and relatively straight forward. I am excited, however, when they announce that we will have a smaller hall meeting later tonight at 8:45 following dinner. _Yes! A chance to meet new people and make new friends_ _on the first night!_

After the meeting is wrapped up, Niall and I meet up with Zayn and we follow everyone walking toward the dining hall down the street from the dorm. Once we arrive, we are greeted with a buffet, all-you-can-eat style cafeteria with burgers, pizzas, sandwiches, pretty much anything you could think of or want. _Niall is going to love it h-._ Before I can even finish my thought, Niall is already dashing towards the food. _Of course Nialler. He loves his food._

After we finish our food, we make our way back to the dorm. Zayn and I depart from Niall and head back to our room so we can finish unpacking our stuff. As we wait for the hall meeting, Zayn and I continue to get to know each other. He is a pretty cool lad and I am glad he is my roommate for the summer.

Once 8:45 rolls around, Zayn and I step out into the hallway so we can figure out where we are supposed to go for the meeting. We see the other lads in the hallway doing the same thing. We all look around until we see our RA step out of his room. He introduces himself and tells us to follow him up the stairs where our meeting is being held. We are probably just going to be doing ice breakers to get to know everyone living in our hall.

As we make our way up, the guy next to me captures my attention. _He seems really familiar for some reason. Do I know him? I don't think I know him, but I recognize his face from somewhere._ I decide to not be shy for once and introduce myself.

"Hey, I'm Harry. What's your name?"

"Hi Harry, I'm Stan. Nice to meet you mate."

We continue our conversation as we arrive at the meeting. The more we talk, the more familiar he seems to me. _Oh wait, I remember now._ This is the lad that one of my mates back at home told me was coming to London as well. 

He showed me his Instagram and told me he met Stan last summer at the School of American Ballet intensive in New York City. He seems pretty cool and I think we are going to be fast friends. _Making friends already. Good start to the summer, Harry._

The ice breakers are kind of lame, but I still have a blast because Stan and I are just goofing off the whole time. The other lads in my hall are pretty cool too. If the summer continues to be like this, I think I am going to have one of the best summers of my life.


	4. When I Saw You

**_"Soft heavenly eyes gazed into me,_ ** **_transcending space and time._ ** **_And I was rendered still. T_** ** _here were no words for me to find at all"_**

 **—Mariah Carey,** **_When I Saw You_ **

"What time are you leaving?" I ask Zayn as we lounge around in our room. 

We have been waiting all morning in anticipation of our first class of the summer, the dreaded placement class. This class not only determines which level you will be in for the summer, but it is your one and only chance to make a good first impression with the esteemed faculty of the Royal Ballet School. 

The pressure is high, but as one of the older boys here this summer, I feel good about my chances of getting into the more advanced level. However, I am nervous about dancing in front of Patrick Clarke again. _I have to impress him today. I need him to finally notice me._

We still have about two hours before the placement class and the anticipation is killing me. I pull out my phone and open up Instagram to distract myself for the time being. I like a handful of posts before I hear a flood of rowdy laughter from down the hall. 

_What the hell is that?_ I wait a couple of seconds before deciding to just ignore it and continue scrolling when the laughter swiftly returns, only louder this time. Now I simply can’t ignore the commotion. I roll out of my bed and grab my phone and room key as I make my way towards the door. 

"I'm going to hang out down the hall. I'll be back before we need to leave for the placement class," I inform Zayn. A simple 'okay' is all I hear as I shut the door. 

I warily walk down the hallway toward where I think the noise is coming from. As I near the door, I hear the laughter once again. _Room 36_. I take a moment before knocking on the door to listen in on what is happening in there. I can't make out what they are saying. All I hear is some muffled voices and the same roaring laughter as before. _God, what is so fucking funny?_

Without thinking twice, I reach up and knock on the door three times. The preceding laughter and conversation quickly subside. _Oh no, this wasn't a good idea._ Before I can change my mind and run back to my room, the door bursts open and I am greeted by a tall, brown-haired boy. 

"Hey, I'm Liam. Welcome in. We're just chilling in here," the boy says as I wander into the unfamiliar room. I don't recognize anyone. _Great. This isn't going to be awkward at all._ _I am the worst at meeting new people._ _Don't embarrass yourself, Harry, I'm begging you._ Liam knocks me out of my train of thought when he asks for the second time, "What's your name?"

"Oh, yeah. Sorry. I'm Harry," I reply with a nervous chuckle.

“Awesome!” Liam exclaims, “My roommate Nick isn’t here right now, but he will be back soon. In the meantime, let me introduce you to everyone.” _Oh, thank god_. “Okay, so that’s Roman over by the window. On the floor, we have Max and Henry. And over on Nick’s bed is Louis.” My heart stops for a moment. 

**_Louis_**. _What a cute name._ **_Louis_**. _Oh my god, what a cute boy._ He is relatively tall. _Check_. He is somewhat muscular. _Check_. He has feathery brown hair. _Check_. He has the dreamiest, ocean-blue eyes. _Check_. And he has the most beautiful smile. _Check._ _Wow, he is absolute perfection._

I snap out of my Louis-induced trance when I hear the door open to reveal Stan and another familiar face. _Oh my god, it’s Nick from back home._ _I totally forgot he danced at the Royal Ballet School._ His face lights up when he sees me and he rushes over to pull me into a tight hug.

“Wow, it’s been years. How have you been since I left Manchester?” he asks. 

We used to be very close when we danced together at the school back at home until he attended the Royal Ballet School summer intensive a couple of years ago. They asked him to stay for the year-round program, so he left home and moved to London to dance there full-time. We slowly lost touch as the months passed, until we just weren’t talking at all.

“I’ve been good. I’m just glad to see you. It’s been too long,” I reply. It’s good to have another piece of home here with me for the summer. After our little reunion moment, Nick and I are pulled back into the group dynamic when Liam calls us all over as he starts playing a male ballet variation video on his laptop. 

As we gather around the laptop, I am reminded of the beautiful boy that stands beside me. Everyone’s eyes are glued to the screen in awe of the great male ballet dancers leaping high in the air and turning with lightning speed, except for me of course. All I can see is Louis.

His beauty is so alluring, I can't resist staring. And it seems to me that Louis doesn't mind me staring either because he keeps returning the flirtatious eye contact. _Is this real? This can't be real. Did I fall down the rabbit hole again? Someone pinch me._

I practically have to pinch myself out of my daze as I force myself to turn my eyes back to the video playing on the screen. As I try to watch the video, I sense his eyes on me again. I try to ignore it, but something is telling me to look back at him. 

When I turn and meet the eyes of the boy I met only a few minutes ago, I feel something I have never felt before. I can't pinpoint what it is exactly, but I know that this will be a summer I will never forget. _Is he the one I have been searching for?_


	5. Open Your Heart

**_"Open your heart to me, baby._ ** **_I hold the lock and you hold the key._ ** **_Open your heart to me, darling._ ** **_I’ll give you love if you turn the key"_ **

**—Madonna,** **_Open Your Heart_ **

As the time for the placement class nears, I decide to go back to my room to grab my dance bag. I tell the group that I will be right back and not to leave without me. I run back down the hallway toward my room and frantically search for my key. 

Once I am through the door, I dash to grab the dance bag I thankfully packed last night in anticipation. Before I leave, I look around and notice that Zayn isn't here. _He must have left already_. I shrug it off and walk out the door to catch up with the other lads in the hallway. 

I am greeted by the same piercing blue eyes and beautiful smile that I can't seem to get out of my head. We make our way down the stairs into the dorm lobby and out of the main entrance. I make sure that Louis and I walk side by side as we stroll down the street toward the train station.

Once we reach the station, scan our boarding pass, and step onto the train platform, we have to wait a couple of minutes for the train to come. As we wait, I notice that Louis is still reciprocating the same flirtatious eye contact as before. 

I love looking into his eyes. _I wish we could stay like this forever_. _I hope this is real and not something I constructed in my mind_. I am again brought back to reality and out of my head when we hear the train quickly approaching.

 _This is it_. _My first train ride in London_. I wait for the others to enter before I join them on the train. Once aboard I look to see if there is a seat next to Louis. _Yay, there is! Score!_ Before the train takes off, I swiftly make it to my seat and sit next to the boy that is quickly taking over my every thought. 

We all sit in a comfortable silence as the train begins to move in the direction of the Royal Ballet School. Without even looking at him, I can feel Louis's presence and I find it very comforting, especially because the stress about the placement class is slowly setting back in. 

_Stop stressing out Harry_. _You'll be fine_. _Plus, you'll be with Louis the whole time_. _As long as we stay together, everything will be okay_. I have only known Louis for less than an hour, and I have already developed a level of comfortability that I have never experienced with anyone before.

Time just seems to be flying by since I have been in London because we arrive at our designated stop sooner than I thought we would. I am beyond excited to finally see the Royal Ballet School in person. I have only seen pictures of this magnificent place and I can't believe I am getting to live out my lifelong dream of dancing at this prestigious ballet school.

Stepping off of the crowded train, the lads and I exit the station and start to make our way to the school, which is just a few blocks away. As the cream-stone building comes into view, my heart begins to race with anticipation. The lads must be feeling the same excitement that I am. We all dash toward the school that we will be dancing at for the next five weeks.

Once inside, we are greeted by an older lady at the front desk who hands us a number and points us in the direction of the locker room. As the lads and I walk through the school, we take in the beautiful interior of the building. It's even more stunning in person than in any pictures.

We soon reach the locker room and enter to find some of the other boys at the intensive. As I begin changing alongside the other lads, I notice that I will be seeing Louis shirtless for the first time. A slight tint of pink slowly creeps on my cheeks just by the thought. 

I look over to where Louis is changing and sneak a glance at the feathered-haired boy before quickly turning away so he doesn't catch me. From what I could see, Louis is getting even more beautiful by the minute. I hastily put the rest of my ballet uniform on as I notice the others being just about ready to head out to the studio corridor.

Now that we are all changed and ready to warm up for the first class of the summer, I take the opportunity to sit with Louis and get to know him better as we stretch. I learn that he is from Doncaster and has six younger siblings back at home. 

I tell him about my mum and sister Gemma back at home in Holmes Chapel. Our conversation is soon interrupted by a hauntingly familiar voice that instantly makes the room stark silent. _Patrick Clarke_. My heart drops to my feet and a lump forms in my throat.

We all quietly stand up and make our way into the large studio where I see the rest of the Royal Ballet School faculty. _I can't believe this is actually happening_. _I am finally dancing in the studio that I have been dreaming about since I was a little boy_. 

Patrick directs us to our spots at the ballet barre, based on our numbers. Louis is a little ways away from me, but I can still sense his comforting energy from across the room. This puts a smile back on my face. Once we are in our places, Patrick begins the class with pliés.

As we go through the rest of the barre, I am trying my hardest to keep my focus directly in front of me to concentrate on my technique, so I can finally impress Patrick. As we move from the barre into the center, I maintain this focus so I am able to perform my best so I can make it into the advanced level alongside Louis. 

**_Louis_**. _Where is my beautiful boy? No, Harry, you need to forget about him right now_. _This is more important_. I shake off my train of thought and reignite my drive to reach my goal and fulfill my lifelong dream. 

Patrick then begins instructing us through different turning and jumping exercises in the center of the room and across the floor. I am beyond exhausted but I know if I show any sign of weakness, I will not get the one thing I have worked so hard to get. 

After the class is finished, Patrick tells us that the results of which level we are placed in will be posted at the dorms later tonight. I don't really care which level I am placed in as long as Louis and I are in the same one, so we can spend the rest of the summer side by side like we were today.

.


	6. Take Me With U

**_"👁 don't care where we go._ ** **_👁 don't care what we do._ ** **_👁 don't care pretty baby._ ** **_Just take me with U"_ **

**—Prince,** **_Take Me With U_ **

The first few days of classes have been pretty good so far, even though Louis and I are in separate levels. Louis is in the higher and more advanced of the two men’s levels, while I am stuck in the less advanced one with some of the lads in my class being a few years younger than me. 

When I first saw the list posted in the dorms for all to see, it definitely stung and knocked my confidence a bit. Despite my continuous efforts, Patrick still has yet to take notice of me. He almost completely ignored me during the placement class and hasn't paid much attention to me during the first few days of classes. _You know what people say about meeting your heroes_. 

Although I am quite disappointed by Patrick so far, I just hope that things will eventually turn around in the upcoming weeks. The silver lining in all of this is that I will be dancing alongside Niall as well as some of my new mates like Liam, Max, Henry, and Roman.

Louis has been a great support system for me through all of this and has made me feel a lot better about the whole situation. He reminded me that although we won't be in the same classes every day at the studio, we would still be able to hang out during our off time at the dorms with the other lads. 

Louis and I have practically been inseparable at the dorms and I always make sure to snag a good night hug from Louis when it is time to return to our rooms at 10. Every time I am in his arms, I just feel at home.

As I grab my dance bag and walk out of the locker room door, I try and catch up with Louis and the other lads. I have been needing to get some things from the store, so earlier this morning, we planned to make a trip today after we got back to the dorms. 

We are now on our daily walk from the dance school to the train station. It took a couple of days to adjust to living in a big city like London, but I am finally starting to get my footing. Once Louis and I are on the train, we sit next to each other as I made sure we did every day that both of our classes finished at the same time.

I still can't believe how quickly Louis and I have developed a relationship and it seems to only be growing as time goes on. We haven't actually discussed what **this** is, but I just really hope it turns into something more. 

Every time I see his gorgeous face, it instantly brightens up my day. Even after just this short amount of time, I can't even imagine my life without him. I really like Louis, more than he may even know. All I can hope for is that the feeling is mutual.

My thoughts are interrupted when the train halts at the station near the dorms. I quickly grab my bag off the floor and make my way towards the exit, following the rest of the lads out of the train terminal. 

Once we reach Cornelia Street and are back at the dorms to drop off our stuff, we plan to be back down in the lobby in a half hour before we head out to run our errands. Louis and I run up the stairs up to our rooms and we say a casual goodbye before heading into our rooms.

It's great having Louis right across the hall from me, it makes it easier to reach him when I need something or want to hang out just the two of us. He is in room 28 and I am in 27. Once I am in my room, I decide to take a quick shower to freshen up since I am still somewhat sweaty from the long day of dancing. 

All tension releases as the hot water cascades down my body. I clear my mind of any worries or anxiety I have about the summer so far and what may occur in the next couple of weeks while I am in London.

Stepping out of the shower, I dry off and search for the perfect outfit that is both cute and casual for running errands. Once I am dressed, I text Louis asking if he was ready to head downstairs. He is quick to reply saying he is already down in the lobby. 

In a hurry, I grab my keys, wallet, and phone before running down to catch up with him and the other lads. As I make my way downstairs, I immediately catch Louis’s eyes and he gives me a warm smile. _Sunshine_ . _Louis is my sunshine_ . I will never get tired of staring into his stunning, ocean-blue eyes. I can truly see myself being with him for the rest of my life. I can feel it in my bones. _I think I am in love with Louis_.

In no time, we are out the door and walking towards the shops just a few blocks away. I am not exactly sure where we are going, but anywhere Louis is, is where I want to be. After a couple of minutes, we arrive at the shops and split off to find what we need. 

As soon I am sure that I have everything I need, I immediately go and search for the candy aisle. Once I catch a glimpse of the array of options, I sprint to find my favorite treats on the shelves. My excitement must have distracted me because my sunshine is nowhere to be found. Before going to find Louis, I quickly grab a few king-size Twix bars and exit the candy aisle.

I must look like a chicken with its head cut off because I receive a few stares as I run through the store to find my Louis. I block it out of my head because who cares what others think of me. All that matters to me is what Louis thinks of me. _What does he think of me?_ _I guess I'll have to ask someone to find out for sure_. 

My thoughts dissipate when I finally spot Louis with the rest of the lads in line to check out. I catch up to them and pay for my things. As we exit the store, we decide to just return to the dorms and relax in the lounge before dinner. 

On our walk back, I become determined to get answers to these thoughts I have been having. Ever since I met Liam back on the first morning in his dorm room, I have developed a trust with him and I can tell him almost anything at this point. I feel that Liam is close enough to Louis that he can give me an idea of how he feels about me. 

As we continue our stroll, I decide to confess my feelings for Louis to Liam. He can keep this a secret until I have the courage to tell Louis. As the group continues to walk, I pull Liam by the arm so that we lag behind the rest of the lads. He is confused at first by my actions, but soon realizes I have something important to tell him.

"What is it Harry?" he asks as we keep walking.

"Can you keep a secret? Just between us?" I question.

"Of course. You can trust me with anything,” he replies, “What is it you need to tell me?"

"Ok so you know how close Louis and I have become over the last week," I begin as Liam nods his head, "Well, I kind of like him. A lot. I might even be in love with him, Liam." I quickly look away in fear of his reaction before I remember that I can trust him. When I look back at Liam, I am confused by his reaction because he looks both shocked and concerned.

"What? What is it?" I inquire.

"I don't know how to tell you this." He says with a sad look in his eyes.

"Tell me what?" I demand.

Liam takes a deep breath before stating, "He has a girlfriend, Harry."


	7. All At Once

**_"I started counting teardrops_** ** _and at least a million fell._ ** **_My eyes began to swell._ ** **_And all my dreams were shattered all at once"_ **

**_—Whitney Houston, All At Once_ **

"He has a girlfriend, Harry."

_ I don't even know how to feel right now. Sad? Angry? Confused? Devastated? Heartbroken? Hurt? _ My head is spinning with endless thoughts and questions that seem to be going a million miles a minute. 

_ This can’t be true. Why would Louis act like this with me if he had a girlfriend? He would never do that to me. We care too much about each other for him to do something like this. How am I supposed to believe what Liam is telling me is true. I need answers, and I need them now. _

"How do you know?" I exclaim. 

Liam is a little taken aback by my sudden outburst. He hesitates before saying, "Harry, he told me the first night we moved in. Louis said that he's bi and has a girlfriend back at home. Her name is Eleanor." 

I pause for a moment to absorb this new information before asking, "Is that all? Is there anything else I need to know?”

"That's all I know, Harry. If there is anything else you want to know, you're going to have to ask him yourself," Liam said with an apologetic grimace, "Please don't be mad at me. I’m only the messenger. Just know that I’m here for you if you need anything."

"Thanks, Liam," I say before walking to catch up with the rest of the lads.  _ Act cool, Harry. Don't let them see you crumble.  _ I am still in complete disbelief and I just can't wrap my head around the situation. 

_ Is betrayal the right word? Why would Louis keep this from me? Was he ever going to tell me? _ Questions continue to swirl in my mind as I recall everything that has happened with Louis.  _ Where did things go wrong? _ Everything has been amazing so far, so I just don't get how it all came crashing down so quickly.

Words can't even describe what I am feeling right now. I simultaneously want to punch Louis across the face and jump into his arms and never let go. It is truly a double-edged sword because I think both scenarios would only end up hurting me. 

As things continue to spiral, I succumb to a fit of rage and passion, and I soon can only see red. Charging towards Louis, I neither punch him in the face nor jump into his arms, as tempting as it may be. Instead, I simply fake a leg cramp and latch onto his arm with a fierce grip. 

At first, I am greeted with a strange look on Louis' face, but it soon turns into a look of concern as I explain what I want him to believe is happening. I instantaneously regret the decision because gazing into the eyes of the boy that I have become so close with this past week only reminds me of the loss of the dream I once thought came true. 

Louis kindly helps me walk the rest of the way back to the dorms on Cornelia Street. As we enter the building, I try to pull myself together.  _ I can do this.  _ I force a smile upon my face and act as if nothing is wrong, even though my entire world is crashing around me. 

I start to feel tears begin to swell.  _ But I never cry.  _ I quickly wipe them away before rushing upstairs to my room.  _ I think I just need some time alone to process this before I can talk to anyone about it. _ I text Niall to come to my room in half an hour before climbing into my bed.

Once in bed, I reach into my pocket to retrieve my phone and open Spotify. As I put my Mariah Carey playlist on shuffle, I lie on my back and stare at the beige-colored ceiling. My body relaxes to a state of almost complete numbness as the music plays in the quiet room. 

_ What am I feeling? Do I feel anything at all? I feel so empty right now like my heart has been ripped right out of my chest and replaced with a sad, deflated balloon.  _ As salty tears cascade down my face, I hear keys jingling outside the door. 

I hastily sit up as Zayn walks into our room. I try to cover my tear-soaked face from him, but it doesn't even take more than a second for him to notice that something is wrong. Zayn immediately rushes over to my side and embraces me in a comforting hug. 

"What happened? Are you okay, Harry?" he asks.  _ I can't lie to him and tell him that I'm fine when I'm not _ . I just shake my head in response. "Can you tell me what's going on so I can help you through it?"

"I'll tell you everything, just not right now. I need to talk to Niall alone for a bit. He'll be here soon. Is that okay?" I reply. Zayn nods his head in understanding. We stay there on the floor for a few minutes until we hear a knock at the door. 

Zayn tells me to stay put as he gets up to let Niall in. My best mate instantly bolts through the door and takes a seat next to me, engulfing me in his arms. Zayn gives a sympathetic smile as he grabs his keys and walks out of the room.

Once Zayn is gone, Niall turns to me and demands the truth. As I begin to explain the situation to him, I can see Niall's face change from concern to anger and outrage. He can't fathom someone doing this to his best mate or anyone for that matter. 

Niall then goes on telling me how awful of a person Louis is and that he's not worth crying over. I know that what he is saying is supposed to make me feel better and validate my feelings, but they just don't because I know that they're not true. 

I can't help but get a bit angry at Niall as he continues to bash Louis because he doesn't know him like I do. Louis is one of the nicest and most caring people I have ever met. Everyone likes him and wants to be around him because he is as funny as he is kind. He just has this magnetic appeal that you can't help but gravitate towards. 

Louis is a great person to just like sit and kind of just admire what he is like and that is exactly why I fell for him in the first place. Eventually, I have had enough of the Louis bashing as I beg Niall to stop.

"I think I'm in love with Louis," I declare, "and I don't know what to do about it now that I know what I know."

Niall's angry face softens back to a look of concern before stating, "But you barely know the boy, H. How can you know that you actually love him?"

"I just do. I have never felt like this about someone before," I admit.

"I understand that, but how do you know for sure that you love him?" he questions.

"I can feel it with every fiber in my being, Niall. I felt it the moment that I saw him. I am in love with Louis."

"Harry, he has a girlfriend." he echoes.  _ Ugh. Please don't remind me. _ Every time someone says it, there is a little ache deep in my chest.

"I know," I say with a deep exhale, "I'm in love with someone who is taken and who will probably never love me back. What am I supposed to do now? Fall out of love with him? It is not that easy. You can't just fall out of love with someone just like that." I say more to myself than to Niall. 

We sit in a weird yet peaceful silence as we continue to contemplate what to do about Louis. "I guess I have to try and move on from this somehow," I confess. 

Although I don't want to believe it, I have no other choice but to let go of my feelings for Louis and the summer that I have always dreamed of. I know that it won't be easy, but I have to try. All I can do is try. Try to feel happy again.

**| End of Part I** **— Infatuation** **|**


	8. Breakdown

**| Part II - Deterioration |**

**_"I guess I'm trying to be_** ** _nonchalant about it._ ** **_And I'm going to the extremes to_** ** _prove I'm fine without you"_ **

**—Mariah Carey,** **_Breakdown_ **

"Are you coming tonight?" Liam repeats as we walk out of the studio doors. I have been so out of it ever since I found out about Louis and his girlfriend. 

It has taken over almost every thought, which makes it difficult to be in the moment. But I must keep trying to be happy again and take it one day at a time. This weekend should be fun and a good distraction from the misery I can't seem to escape from.

"Of course I'm coming," I reply with a smile plastered on my face.  _ Come on, Harry. Stop holding onto this emotional baggage and have fun for once this summer. _ I hope I can do just that tonight because we are going on a party boat as our first weekend excursion. 

Not everyone is going since you had to RSVP and pay in advance before the summer started. I am torn by the fact that Louis isn't coming because part of me wants him to be there dancing alongside me and the other half is glad to have some space to clear my head and hopefully forget the damage he caused.

I have gotten so used to life in the city that before I know it, I am already on the train back to the dorm after walking to the train station and sitting next to the one person who shattered my heart and could put it back together again. 

I have been trying my best to act normally around Louis as if nothing has happened between us, and it seems to be working because Louis is not acting any differently towards me. It's good that nothing has really changed, but at the same time it kind of hurts knowing that he can't see through the facade and see the suffering I am enduring inside.

As the lads and I enter the lounge to decompress from the long day of dancing, I sit next to Louis on the couch as I always did.  _ This is normal. It's only weird if you make it weird. _ We all sit around talking about our days and other random topics until we realize it's time to get ready to leave for the party boat. We all scurry upstairs and disperse into our rooms to get dressed for tonight. 

I dig through my draws to find the cutest outfit. As soon as I look in the mirror, I realize that the Chelsea boots I am wearing are just not working with the rest of the outfit because they're a bit too dressy for the occasion. The only other pair of shoes I have are tennis shoes.  _ This just won't do.  _

Making my way across the hall, I reach up and knock on room 28. After a couple of seconds, the door flies open to reveal Louis with a happy yet confused look on his face. I explain the fashion emergency and he invites me in to try on some of his shoes.

I settle on a pair of black vans and quickly thank Louis as I make my way back to my room to grab my phone and keys. Once I am downstairs, I meet up with the rest of the lads and we head outside with everyone else attending the boat party. 

We ride in rented school buses to the event and I sit next to Liam on the way there. Liam asks me how I've been doing since we haven't really talked about what happened the day before. I tell him that I'm fine and just ready to have a blast tonight. Liam seems satisfied with my answer and drops the topic.

Everyone's excitement can be felt all around as the water comes into view. Stepping off the bus, muffled music can be heard from inside the boat as we line up to check-in before boarding. Once everyone is on the boat, we make our way to the top deck to bask in the glorious, golden sunset as we move offshore. 

After taking some group and individual pictures to post later on Instagram, we enter the party room, where the previously muffled music becomes crystal clear. Before entering the dance floor, the lads and I decide to eat the dinner offered on the party boat first. After grabbing our food from the buffet-style dinner, we find a vacant table in the corner of the crowded room. 

It doesn't take long before we are deep in conversation, just having a laugh, talking about random topics. As soon as we are done eating, we all make our way to the dance floor and the party officially begins.

Some of the people here are dancing so awkwardly as if they have never danced anything except ballet.  _ Typical ballerinas.  _ I don't think I am in control anymore because the music seems to be taking over my entire body. 

Everyone else seems to just fade away as I let loose and leave all of my troubles on the dance floor. My entranced state dissolves suddenly when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around to see Niall with an eager smile across his face.

"I overheard one of the RAs saying that there's going to be fireworks on the water tonight," Niall informs me in a whisper, "but keep it between us because I think it's supposed to be a surprise." I nod in agreement as we make our way back onto the top deck. 

The sun has now completely set and the moon illuminates the clear night sky.  _ It's a perfect night for fireworks.  _ As the others join us on the top deck, the anticipation for the forthcoming spectacle is felt all around. All eyes are pointed towards the heavens above as the first burst of color fills the atmosphere.

While the colorful explosions continue and I take in its beauty, I can't help but feel a wave of guilt rush over me. This moment feels incomplete without someone to share it with.  _ I wish Louis was here to experience this with me. _ The faint smile that crept onto my face with the thought of Louis being here with me vanishes just as fast it came. 

_ I know that I shouldn't feel this way, but I just do.  _ Feeling a slight breeze on this summer night, I try to calm the battle within my mind and release it into the wind. My efforts fail, but I still feel a sense of pride for at least trying.

As the boat nears the dock, we go back down into the party room that is now being cleaned up. Stepping off of the boat, we line up to check in with a RA before getting on the buses back to the dorms. 

Once we are on the bus, I look down and remember that I have to return the shoes Louis let me borrow. I push any anxiety I feel away and try to focus on my conversation with Niall and Liam for the remainder of the bus ride.

As soon as we arrive back at the dorms, the lads and I exit the bus and make our way upstairs to return to our rooms after the exhausting night of fun and dancing. Louis must have heard us coming because he's standing in the doorway of his room with a sleepy grin on his face. 

I tell him that I am going to change out of my sweaty clothes before I come back to return his shoes. Changing into a comfy pair of sweats and a t-shirt, all I want to do is just climb into my bed and go to sleep, but I know I have to do this first. 

Making my way across the hall with black vans in hand, I am dreading the impending exchange. I gently knock on the door and a tired-looking Louis greets me. Handing him back the shoes he let me borrow, I thank him for his generosity.

"No problem," he replies, "Anything for you, Harry." The words repeat in my mind like an echo and I stand there frozen not knowing what to say to that. 

Without thinking or any hesitation, I pull him into a tight hug with one part of me angry for letting myself cave so quickly and the other never wanting to let him go. The latter half wins and I eventually let go and leave with a quiet 'good night'. 

After my door is closed, I give into the boiling over emotions and let the salty tears run down my face. Once in bed, thoughts begin racing through my mind for minutes that feel like hours.  _ Is it so bad that I wished that moment lasted forever? _


	9. 👁 Hate U

**_"It's so sad, but 👁 hate U. Lik_** ** _e a day without sunshine._ ** **_It's so bad, but 👁 hate U._ ** **_'Cause you're all that's ever on my mind"_ **

**_—Prince, 👁 Hate U_ **

Pretending that everything is fine is proving to be more difficult than I could have ever imagined. It feels like I am trapped on a never-ending roller coaster of fluctuating emotion. One moment I am fine and feeling closer to my normal self, and the next I am lying on the floor of my dorm room, crying my eyes out.

I am at the point now where I feel as though the slightest breeze could topple the facade I am trying to perpetuate. All I want is to feel normal again. To feel happy again. And now that even seems too much to ask.

It doesn't help that my feelings for Louis are only growing stronger by the day with all of the time I am spending with him. _ I know. It would be easier to get rid of these unrequited feelings if I just stopped hanging around Louis. But I can't. His energy just draws me to him _ .

My mind is constantly fighting against my heart, and in that fight, my heart always seems to win. Although it hurts knowing that Louis will never like me back in the same way, I still enjoy being around him. In a way, I am kind of okay with living in that constant pain, if it means being with Louis.  _ Is that so wrong? _

At the same time, my love for ballet seems to be going in the complete opposite direction. The more time I spend here, and the more Patrick seems to ignore my existence, the more I seem to be falling out of love with ballet. It's a shame because ballet used to be my one true love.

I remember seeing The Nutcracker for the very first time at the Royal Opera House with my mum when I was five years old. All of the bright, colorful costumes and sets paired with the beautiful dancing absolutely blew my mind back then.

This was back when Patrick was still dancing with the Royal Ballet Company before becoming a teacher at the school. He played the Sugar Plum Fairy's Cavalier in the second act, and he was simply marvelous. Watching Patrick in that show is actually what inspired me to want to dance at the Royal Ballet School in the first place. 

And now I am here doing just that, with Patrick as one of my teachers. The thing that hurts the most about him disregarding me is that I think he is doing it on purpose. But I don't know why. 

I am so laser-focused in every class that I am not even competing with the other lads here. My only competition is myself, and I am pushing myself to my limits just so Patrick will at least notice me. It seems that there is nothing I can do to change his behavior, but I refuse to give up.

"Thank you, you are dismissed for the day," Patrick announces at the end of our partnering class.  _ Wow, that class just flew by. _

I may have been there physically, but my mind was definitely somewhere else. No matter how hard I try to be present, I always seem to drift deep into my thoughts. It is like I am a prisoner of my own subconscious. A damsel in distress with no one to rescue me from myself.

After thanking my partner whose name I can't seem to remember right now, I grab my dance bag and trudge behind the other lads down to the locker room. Once inside, I see Louis, Stan, and the rest of the boys from the other class getting ready to leave. This is one of the few days where both men's levels are done at the same time.

I keep to myself as we all change into our regular clothes. I just want to get out of here and back to the dorms as quickly as possible. Throwing my sweaty clothes into my dance bag, I follow all of the lads out of the locker room and through the front entrance of the school.

"Why the long face, Harry? Are you a horse or something?" Stan jokes as we make our way to the train station. He always has the craziest things to say, but they always seem to make me laugh and cheer me up when I am feeling down.

"Nothing. Just tired from a long day is all," I answer with a sigh. I don't want to get into what's actually wrong with Stan because we just don't have that kind of friendship. He's great to just chat about random, silly stuff because you never know what he's going to say next.

"Okay, good," he replies, "Do you wanna know something that I heard?"  _ I wonder what he has up his sleeve this time. _

"Sure. What is it?" I say.

"I heard that Max and Henry hooked up on the first night here," he reveals.

"The first night?" I ask, "How do you know that? Who told you that?"

"Max's roommate," he explains.

"His roommate was in the room? That's insane," I exclaim, "Wait, how did they even do that? We're not supposed to leave our rooms after 10 o'clock. They broke the rules on the very first night we were at the dorms?"

"I guess so," Stan says with a laugh.

"Wow, I would have never expected that from Max and Henry. Expect the unexpected at these summer intensives, I guess," I reply.

As we reach the train station and scan our boarding passes, I make my way over to Louis on the train platform. He greets me with a gentle smile and we stand together in comfortable silence as we wait for the train.

Once it arrives, we all pile into the crowded train and I take my usual seat next to Louis. After the day that I have had, I am just ready for a calm and relaxing weekend. I hope this weekend will transform the summer for the better.


	10. Ring The Alarm

**_"Tell me how should I feel w_ ** **_hen you made me belong,_ ** **_and the thought of you just touching her i_ ** **_s what I hate most"_ **

**—Beyoncé,** **_Ring The Alarm_ **

_ Thank god this week is finally over.  _ It has been a long week, to say the very least. The excitement that I had coming into this summer now feels so distant and foreign. What once was a glorious display of fireworks has dwindled to the light of a flickering candle.

My unrequited feelings for Louis and the blatant disregard from Patrick have made everything feel like it is dragging along. Even the fun and happy moments have been tainted with the poison of heartache and resentment.

But it is now the weekend and the second week of the intensive is complete. I hope a break from all of the drama and noise will reignite the spark I once had for the summer.

Tonight, the lads and I are enjoying a relaxing night in. Unlike the fun boat excursion from the previous weekend, we are just gathering in the lounge to watch a movie. I need this break not only emotionally, but physically as well.

My whole body is sore and fatigued and I am almost completely drained from just the first two weeks of dancing. I knew that this intensive would be challenging, but not to this extent. My inner turmoil must only be adding to the external stress on my body.

As the lads debate on a movie to watch, I take the opportunity to sit next to Louis on the couch. I have always wanted to be like the couples I see at the movies. Rest my head on his shoulder when I get tired or cling onto his arm when there is a sudden jump scare.

Before the movie begins, I decide to go up to my room to put on some comfier clothes.  _ Cute, comfy clothes, of course _ . After I am all changed, I sprint back down the stairs and into the lounge because I don’t want to miss the start of the movie.

I stop dead in my tracks when I see a random girl sitting next to Louis.  _ What the hell? _ As I take a step closer, I see that she is sharing a blanket with Louis.  _ Who even is this girl and why is she sitting in my spot? How could Louis let this happen?  _ I proceed forward to confront Louis and whoever this girl is. Before I say anything I might regret, I take a moment to collect myself.

“Hey,” I say to announce my presence.

“Oh hey, Harry. Sorry, did you want your seat back? This is my friend Danielle. She just came to say hi but decided to stay for the movie. She can move if you want?” Louis says.  _ Be nice, Harry. There’s no need to be jealous. They’re just friends. _

“No, not at all. You’re fine. I’ll just sit here next to Stan. It’s nice to meet you, Danielle.”

I am not mad that Danielle gets to sit next to Louis, I am just a little disappointed that I won’t get to live out my movie-couple fantasy.  _ There will be other movies, Harry _ . Taking my seat next to Stan, Liam presses play on his laptop with the opening scene of Purple Rain appearing on the screen.

_ I love this movie _ . As Prince sings the opening line of Let’s Go Crazy, the preceding awkward encounter is immediately pushed to the back of my mind. Prince’s stage presence is just out of this world. He is everything I want to be when I am on stage.

Midway through the movie, as Prince sings The Beautiful Ones, I feel a light tap on my shoulder. I turn to face Stan and see a mischievous grin on his face. He signals me to come close, so I lean over to hear what he has to say.

“Guess what I just saw.” he starts.  _ What is it this time? _

“What? What did you see?” I say slightly annoyed, wanting to go back to watching the movie.

“I just saw Louis fingering Danielle under the blanket.”  _ What? Where did that even come from? He must be joking. There is no way this is true. _

“I don’t believe you,” I reply with a chuckle.

Instead of returning my focus back to the movie, I turn to Liam and Roman sitting to my other side. I tell them this ridiculous story that Stan seemed to pull out of thin air. They reciprocate the same disbelief and laugh it off with me.

“No, I’m serious. I saw it with my own eyes.” Stan says when I turn back around.  _ Why is he doubling down on this fictitious lie? Is he really telling the truth? _

A combination of jealousy and anger begins to bubble up in the pit of my stomach. _If Stan is telling the truth, I’m going to fucking lose it._ _Who the fuck does this bitch Danielle think she is? Is she really trying to swoop in and steal Louis from Eleanor? She's sure as hell not going to steal him from me. I am next in line if anything._

I need to go somewhere else and calm down before I do something I might regret. I stand up to leave, but before I reach the lounge door, I feel a hand on my shoulder. When I turn around, I see a concerned-looking Liam with Roman following right behind him. They must have sensed that something was wrong.

“Is everything okay?” Liam rhetorically asks.

“No, of course, everything’s not okay. I think Stan might be telling the truth about Danielle and Louis.” I answer.

“Why do you think that?” Roman asks.

“Because he doubled down on his story and he said that he saw it with his own eyes,” I reply.

“Are you okay, is the better question?” Liam interjects after a slight pause.

“No. Maybe. I don’t know. I’m still trying to process it all,” I say as I slide down to sit against the wall, “I’m just trying not to lose my shit and do or say something I might regret.” Liam and Roman join me on the floor and Liam rubs my back to help calm me down.

“Are you okay, Harry,” an all too familiar voice says. I look up to see Louis reaching his hand out for me to take. I apprehensively take it and he helps me off the floor.

“I’m fine,” I reply. I can tell by his face that he is not convinced. “Okay, no. Not really.”

“What’s wrong?” he probes.

“Can we talk about this somewhere else?” I ask, “I don’t want to have this conversation in front of everyone.” He replies with a simple nod as we make our way out of the lounge and upstairs to one of our dorms.


	11. Too Shy To Say

**_"And I can't go on this way._ ** **_Feel it stronger every day._ ** **_But being too shy to say t_ ** **_hat I really love you"_ **

**_—Diana Ross, Too Shy To Say_ **

_ This was a mistake _ . Walking behind me is the boy that I have fallen head over heels for but can never be mine. How am I supposed to come clean to Louis when it might ruin the one thing I care the most about? There is no way I can tell Louis how I feel about him. 

Part of me wants to turn around and tell Louis that nothing was wrong and this was just all a big misunderstanding, but I know I can’t do that.  _ There is no going back now _ . Every step up the stairs simply adds to the dread of having this conversation. 

All of the possible scenarios play in my mind at once. He can be flattered and take it as a compliment. He can be offended and hate me for the rest of the summer. He could even admit that he feels the same way and we can share the happy ending I always dreamed of. I know the chances of the latter happening are slim at this point, but the possibility makes me hold onto hope.  _ What if laying everything on the table brings us closer together _ ?

My thoughts are cut off when we reach the door of my room. I don’t know what will happen once we are on the other side of this door. All I hope for is that it will not be the end of whatever this is between us. 

As we enter my empty room, I tell Louis he can sit at the desk under Zayn’s lofted bed. Once we are both settled, we fall into an awkward silence. Sitting across from him, I am at a loss for words with no clue of where to even begin. My apprehension seemingly dissipates when he gives me a comforting smile and a soft gaze with his heavenly, ocean-blue eyes.

“I have to admit something,” I say to break the silence. Louis nods in understanding. “I’m not sure how you will take it,” I continue, “but I don’t want it to change anything between us.” I am terrified of losing it all, despite not knowing what it is I am losing.

“Whatever it is, I don’t think it will change anything. I promise” he reassures me. Feeling a little more at ease, I take a deep breath before continuing.

“I like you,” I blurt out after the slight pause. My eyes widen once I realize my mistake.  _ I can’t believe I just said that _ . “I mean I liked you,” I quickly correct myself, “as in past tense.”  _ That’s a lie _ . I mentally slap myself for the slight word vomit, but I think I saved myself. 

“I kind of caught feelings for you during the first week of the intensive,” I tell him, “but I let go of them once I learned about your girlfriend.”  _ Another lie _ . I look away from Louis to avoid seeing his reaction to my admission. The worst-case scenario repeatedly plays in my mind as I wait for his response.

“Okay.”

_ I’m sorry, what? Did I hear that right?  _ A state of confusion and relief simultaneously rush over me hearing this simple reply to my confession. I must be pulling a funny face as I ponder what he meant because I hear a small chuckle from across the room.

“Okay?” I repeat back to him.

“Yeah, it’s okay, Harry. It’s completely natural to have a crush on someone,” he explains. “I’m not mad if that’s what you’re worried about. I am actually kind of flattered that you liked me,” he admits.  _ Well, that’s good to hear _ . 

“But you know that I am not going to date you because I am with someone else.”  _ Ouch. I already knew that, but it still hurts to hear him say it. _

“Of course,” I swiftly reply, “I just want you to be happy.”

“Okay, good. So those feelings you had for me are gone?” he asks.

“Yes.”  _ No of course not. How could they be?  _ I can tell by his face he isn’t entirely convinced.

“Are you sure?” he questions.

“Yeah, I’m completely over it now,” I say.  _ That’s definitely not true, but I am trying so hard to make it true.  _

_ What was I supposed to say? I am head over heels in love with you, but you are taken so I am in a constant state of heartache trying to get over you. Yeah, no thanks. _ Hopefully, this half-truth will subside any further discussion of the matter.

“Then why were you so angry downstairs? Is there something you’re not telling me?” he asks.  _ Damn it. I wish he would have forgotten about it by now _ . 

My mind races as I try to quickly come up with a logical explanation for my behavior downstairs.  _ Come on. Just say something. Anything to diffuse the situation _ .

“I was mad about something someone had told me. Well, actually something I have been hearing from a couple of people,” I begin to explain. The curious expression on his face tells me he needs further explanation. 

“Some people have noticed you and Danielle becoming quite close since we have been here. Almost too close. Knowing about your girlfriend Eleanor, some people think that maybe you and Danielle were becoming more than friends behind her back.” Louis pauses to process this revelation.

“There is nothing going on between me and Danielle. We are just friends. I can’t believe people would think I would do something like that.” His pained expression shatters the remnants of my ruptured heart.  _ How could I have believed he would do this? Why did I believe Stan over Louis? I should have known better. _

“Do you think that about me?” he questions after a long pause.

“No Louis, of course not.”

“If you didn’t believe it, why were you still upset with me?”

“Because I was upset by the thought of it being true. It broke my heart… for Eleanor. I couldn’t believe you would do that to her, but knowing you as well as I think I do, I should have never even questioned you. You’re a good guy, Louis.”

“Thanks, Harry. That means a lot coming from you,” he replies.

We soon fall into a comfortable silence. Knowing how guilty I am feeling, Louis opens his arms for an embrace. I hesitantly make my way over and he pulls me into a tight hug. We stay like this for a while before I have to quickly break away because my suppressed feelings began to bubble up again.  _ He is your friend, Harry. He will only ever be your friend. _

“Let’s head back downstairs,” he suggests.

Grabbing my keys and phone, I follow Louis out the door and back down to the lounge to finish the movie. Now that the dust has settled, I feel like Louis and I are now returning to a good place. If I am able to accept Louis as just a friend, I think we will be alright.  _ Maybe this summer isn’t doomed after all. _


	12. Mercy On Me

**_“In my weakness, I've lost faith._ ** **_I've been careless_** ** _and I have been warned._ ** **_And the devil inside me is torn”_ **

**—Christina Aguilera,** **_Mercy On Me_ **

Everything that occurred after Louis and I’s conversation was a total blur. I am still trying to wrap my head around what exactly happened. When things between Louis and I were seemingly returning back to normal, or as normal as they will be, one mistake made it all come crashing back down. 

_ You just couldn’t keep your big mouth shut, huh Harry?  _ I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. When I told Liam and Roman about what Stan had told me, I never could have imagined the trainwreck that would follow.

“Okay, gentlemen. Let’s move the barres to the side so we can begin our center work,” Patrick declares as we shift to the second part of our class. Today has been awful so far. I can’t seem to concentrate in any of my classes. Despite my efforts to stay focused, my mind keeps wandering back to this past weekend. 

I can’t help but feel horrible for what I did to Louis. _ If he finds out about what I said, he might hate me forever. _ The thought of Louis ever hating me is what keeps drawing me back to that night, even more than the argument with Stan.

In front of the entire hallway, right before our ten o’clock curfew, Stan decided to call me out for being the one to spread the rumor about Louis and Danielle. He claimed that me telling Liam and Roman led to them telling other people, which quickly spread throughout the dorm and right back to him. 

I had no chance to defend myself nor the ability to resolve the conflict that was sprung upon me. But in all honesty, I had no defense because I did in fact disclose the rumor. I am not responsible for other people continuing to spread it, but because I was one of the initial sources of the rumor, I am to blame for this calamity.

“Thank you, gentlemen. You are dismissed for the day,” Patrick announces.  _ Thank God _ . Stan and I have not spoken since the incident this weekend and he has been avoiding me like the plague. 

After giving him the space he needed, I have been trying all day to talk to Stan to clear up the whole rumor fiasco. Since he is in the other class and our schedules do not align, I haven’t found a good time to speak with him. 

Hopefully, I will be able to pull him aside before leaving the studio. I hate having this feeling of guilt cloud over me as a constant reminder of my betrayal to Louis.  _ I will never forgive myself if this one mistake is the detriment of my relationship with Louis. _

As the lads and I exit the studio and make our way down to the locker room, I stop to peek into one of the other studios. The advanced men’s level is still in their partnering class.  _ Damn. So I guess I have to wait until dinner to talk to Stan _ .

Entering the locker room, I quickly change into my regular clothes because the other lads are just about ready to go. Once I make sure I have everything with me, I rush out of the locker room to join the lads by the front entrance.

Following our normal routine of walking to the train station, taking the train, and walking along Cornelia Street, we finally make it back to the dorms. We disperse into our own rooms but make plans to hang out in the lounge before dinner.

Since Zayn is still in class with Stan and Louis, I decide to take a shower to freshen up and relax my muscles after a long day of dancing. The hot water cascades down my body, releasing any tension that has built up from this weekend. 

When I step out of the shower, I check my phone to see a text from Niall asking if he could come and hang out in my room and talk. I text him to come over in five minutes. After throwing on some comfy clothes and trying to control my mop of curls, I hear a knock on the door. 

I don’t even bother looking into the peephole because I know it is Niall. Once he is through the door and takes a seat on the floor under my lofted bed, he signals for me to come over. Judging from the concerned look on his face, I can tell that he wants to check in on me.

“No, Niall. I am not okay right now, if that’s what you came to talk about,” I exclaim as I sit on the floor next to him, running my hands through my hair. “Everything has gone to shit and it’s all my fault. I fucked up. I fucked up really bad and I don’t know what to do about it.”

“I know, Harry. Things are bad right now, but you can still turn it around,” Niall replies while rubbing my back, “We have three more weeks here in London. Do you really want to waste it by focusing on petty drama?”

“No, of course, I don’t. But I don’t know how to make things better,” I explain.

“Well, first let’s start by fixing things with Stan,” he proposes, “Then, we can work on having fun like we planned when we first found out about going to London for the summer. Alright?” 

“Alright,” I agree with an apprehensive laugh.

“Okay, good. Now let’s join the other lads down in the lounge. I think they are doing a foosball tournament tonight,” Niall says as he stands up and offers his hand.

Once I am up, I grab my keys and we are out the door. On our way down the hall, I notice some of the lads from the advanced level walking to their rooms.  _ They must all be back now _ . We are almost down the stairs when I realize I forgot my phone back in the room. 

I tell Niall to go ahead and that I will be down in a minute. Running back up the stairs and down the hall to my room, I see Louis unlocking his door. After unlocking my own, I just give a tight smile and a wave before entering my room to grab my phone.

As I step out of my room once again and start to make my way towards the stair, I hear a voice call out my name. When I turn to see who it is, I see Nick with an urgent look on his face. 

“Hey, Nick. What’s up?” I ask genuinely confused.

“Not much,” he says, “What about you?”

“I’m about to head down to the lounge. Do you want to come with me or something?” I reply as I turn to walk downstairs.

“I have to show you something, Harry.”


End file.
